The Role of Motherhood in the World and Its Importance (Part 2)- Motherhood in a Fallen and Redeemed World

This blog post was originally given as the second half of a talk for the women at the New Eve Maternity Home in Winchester, VA. Women were supposed to experience pregnancy without pain or suffering, but because of the fall … Continue reading

Should I Make My Teen _____________?

When I was a youth minister, I had more than one parent approach me to talk about a defiant teen. Many teens go through a rebellious phase. They crave freedom and independence, and they often reject the traditions of their parents for the practices of their friends. So what do you do? Can a parent force a child to do something he or she doesn’t want to do? No. But parents can spend time and energy trying.

When counseling parents about their teens, I often suggest that they pick their battles carefully. Sometimes you need to stand your ground, and sometimes you need to let go. The question you have to ask is this: “Should I try to make them do this or might this be a battle not worth fighting?” Here are 5 situations you’ll probably face with your teen and whether to force or be flexible.

Identifying the 5 Love Languages in Children

A few months ago, as I was scrambling to get lunch on the table, I called for my two kids to start cleaning up. I was just spooning macaroni and cheese onto plates when I heard the two of them laughing from the other room. I was on the verge of exploding when I peeked my head around the corner and nearly had a heart attack. The room was spotless. The kids had actually cleaned up the entire living room, and I hadn’t even needed to repeat myself once. It had been my son’s idea, and it was only one of many times that he went out of his way to serve. My son loves through acts of service, which is a beautiful way of loving, but one completely unfamiliar to me.

My primary love language is quality time, but as an adult, I know how to speak the other languages a bit. I know how to love people who don’t love the way I do. But most kids can’t do that. Most kids show love the same way they want to receive it, so knowing your child’s love language and how to speak it is extremely important. Take a look at these tips for speaking each of the 5 love languages to your children.

1. Quality Time

My son absolutely loves spending time with me. When I announce that I’m heading to the store to pick up a few things, my son immediately volunteers to come along for the ride. He does the same with my husband. At first, we both got internally annoyed when he asked to tag along- errands with even one kid takes twice as long as those without- but eventually we realized that this was how our son best received love. A trip to the grocery store might not sound like “quality” time, but when you have siblings, one-on-one time in any capacity is worth it.

2. Acts of Service

As I already demonstrated, one of my son’s strongest love languages, especially when it comes to showing love to others, is acts of service. Children who speak this love language often will anticipate the needs of others with startling accuracy. They will look for opportunities to help their loved ones and often need little encouragement to do something kind for someone else. Just remember that with children, their definition of “helpful” might not be the same as yours.

3. Physical Touch

My daughter’s primary love language is unquestionably physical touch, as was mine as a child. Some of my most restful and pleasurable memories of my childhood include getting back rubs or having my hair braided by my mother. The physical contact was always soothing, and now I can see the same desire in my daughter. She loves sitting in my lap and being held while we pray and talk, and even when we’re just sitting on the couch watching TV, I can always feel her subtle shifts as she edges closer to me until we are touching.

4. Gift-Giving

Children whose primary love language is gift-giving can often be found creating artwork and other gifts for their loved ones. They often are very aware of what gifts they receive and from whom. They might be reluctant to part with old gifts, since they are all tokens of love in the mind of these children. If your child speaks the love language of gift-giving, you might consider letting them pick gifts for their parents and siblings for birthdays and other holidays.

5. Words of Affirmation

All children crave affirmation, but it is especially important for those kids whose love language is words of affirmation. They will often look for praise and recognition for their accomplishments, however small. They need to hear that their parents love them, and in a very real way, it is not enough to show these children that they are loved. As I once heard from a teen-aged student- “My dad never told me that he loved me, and I was probably in middle school before I realized that all of the things he did for me- that was how he was showing me that he loved me. I just didn’t know it because I needed to hear him say it.”