Four years ago, I packed up my meager belongings and moved down to D.C. to pursue a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Studies at the John Paul II Institute.  I had just graduated from college several months before, and like so many other 20-something year olds, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  I was ready to start this new chapter in my life- I was starting at a new school, living in a new place, had a new job.  I was excited to begin fresh.  I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do with my life, but I did know one thing: I loved school.  I began at the Institute with the simple desire to learn as much as I could.  I had no thoughts for what I was going to do after I graduated.  I had no idea what kind of career I would excel at.  I was newly single, and had already decided that I would dedicate my time to school and my friends.  My break-up had been rough, and I was nowhere near ready to get invested in another relationship.  I moved down to D.C. planning to focus on my education, and that was exactly what I did…until everything changed.

By the end of the spring semester, I had chosen to leave the Institute to enter as an aspirant with the Salesian Sisters.  A year later, I decided to leave the order and took a job as an Assistant Parish Catechetical Leader at a nearby parish.  I applied for the job because I was desperate.  I never thought that I would discover my life’s vocation in Religious Education.  It did not take long to fall in love with my job, and soon enough I was absolutely convinced that this was how I was going to spend my life.  Several months after accepting the job, I took another step forward in my life and began dating my future-husband Andrew.  As things got serious, we began talking about the future, about marriage, moving in together, and starting a family.  When I returned to my job after Christmas break, I informed my boss that I would not be renewing my contract with the parish in July.  A few months later, I once again found myself packing up my meager belongings to move down to D.C. to continue my education at the Institute, but that was where the similarities ended.

A great deal had changed between my first year at the Institute and my second.  My intentions were not as pure as they had been when I began.  During my first year, I’d had no idea what I was going to do with my life, and I was able to dedicate myself entirely to my studies.  This time around, I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and my focus was split between school, work, and wedding planning.  I found life incredibly more difficult, and not simply because I had less time and more to do.  From Part 1 to Part 2, my entire perspective had changed, and this was the principle source of my difficulties.

To be completely honest, my intentions during my first year in the program were a lot more in keeping with the philosophy of the Institute.  I had one purpose: to learn.  My education was an end in and of itself, and I was able to take pleasure in every one of my classes, enjoying everything that was taught.  I gave no thought to what I would do after I graduated, and I was able to soak in everything I was learning.  There was no need to apply it to daily life; I did not need to figure out how my lessons could be beneficial for my career.  I learned for the sake of learning, and I was incredibly happy.

During my first year, I was at the perfect point in life to focus on my studies.  I was working part-time at a bookstore, a job that I knew would terminate once I had graduated.  I enjoyed the work, but there was never any push to apply my courses to my work at the bookstore.  I was able to dedicate most of my time to reading and studying, and I excelled easily.  I was driven and motivated, and I even contemplated the possibility of pursuing a Ph.D. after graduating.  I was a natural student, and I was quite at home in the academic environment.

It is amazing how much can change in just two years.  As I was preparing to return to D.C., I hoped that I would easily settle into the life of a student again.  I hoped that my classes would come easily.  I hoped that I would be just as motivated to succeed as I had been the first time around.  I was wrong.

My circumstances had changed dramatically since the last time I had been in school.  I am working part-time again, but my job is much more demanding than the few hours that I had once put in at the bookstore.  I am living further away, which means that I spend more time on the roads than ever before.  And most notably, as I struggle to balance school and work, I am also planning a wedding.  Yes, I have a lot more on my plate this time around, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

The true cause of my struggles is not a lack of time, but a lack of motivation.  My intentions are not as pure as they once were.  I am not in school simply for the sake of learning.  My purpose is much more directed now.  Two years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I was largely lacking direction.  Now, I have found a career that I love, and I am less than four months away from marriage.  I can no longer truthfully claim that I am studying purely for the sake of knowledge.  I am studying so that I can have a Master’s degree.  I am studying because the courses will presumably make me a better Director of Religious Education.  I am studying because I know that this is a way to increase my salary somewhat.  I am studying because DREs with Master’s degrees are preferred over those without them.  There are a lot of reasons why I am back at the Institute, but my desire to learn is not first among them.

My struggles are largely the result of a shift in focus.  There is a clear direction that my life is taking, and all my actions are chosen in light of that direction.  Two years ago, I fell in love with my studies, and I took a part-time job to pay for my education.  Now, I have fallen in love with my job, and I am taking classes to prepare me for my future.  I’ve seen a complete change in motivation, and it has not always been easy.  Life was much simpler when I had no direction; now that I know where I am going, things are more difficult, but it feels good to be walking with a destination in mind.  It feels good to know that in less than four months, I will graduate, get married, and God willing, be employed as a full-time DRE, doing what I love.

Mary Help of Christians, pray for us!